7 Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success : Dayo's 7 keys to making your love last.

Happy Couple.
Source: Google Images

Most of us want to meet and settle down with the “right” person, and most of us want such a relationship to last. Yet about 41% of marriages in Nigeria, 53% in the U.S., 48% in Canada, 47% in the U.K., and 43% in Australia end in divorce. What are some of the most important ideas when it comes to making your love last? Below are my seven keys to long-term relationship success.



1. Do You Trust Your Partner?

Trust is the first and perhaps most important predictor of long-term relational success. Without trust, none of the other six keys that follow will have much meaning. Ask yourself the following questions: In general, is your partner reliable and dependable? Can you count on your partner as the “rock” in your life? What about you for your partner?

For some, as I've heard from girls I dated in the past, trust is a complicated matter. Some people trust blindly, while others have trust issues. Evaluate your partner’s trustworthiness based not upon unproven promises or wishful thinking, but on a strong overall record of dependability.
Different people have different areas of concern, but almost everyone values trust and honesty from their partner above all. Why? Because your partner is the one person you want to be able to depend upon in the long-term, without question or doubt.

Little things where your significant other hasn’t been completely honest shouldn’t be blown out of proportion, because virtually everybody tells little white lies (especially when one is dating). Focus instead on the big things, like if they say they’re a lawyer and you discover they’ve never even passed the bar, or they say they like kids but later on insist on never having one.

2. Are You and Your Partner Compatible in the Dimensions of Intimacy?

Authors Ronald Adler and Russell Proctor II identified four ways with which we can feel closely connected with our significant other. The four dimensions of intimacy are: Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, and Shared Activities. 

Here’s a quick exercise to check you and your partner's compatibility in intimacy. List the four dimensions as follows:

_______________________________________________________

                                  Partner A    Partner B

Physical

Emotional

Intellectual

Shared Activities

_______________________________________________________

Next to each dimension, rank whether this is a “Must” have, “Should” have, or “Could” have for you in your romantic relationship.

After answering for yourself, next ask your partner to rank, or on your own put down how you think your partner would prioritize. The more “must-must” and “must-should” combinations between you and your partner, the greater the possibility of an intimate relationship. Since relationships are not static, a couple may evolve in the dimensions of intimacy. Understanding one another’s priorities, and connecting in ways that are important to both partners help ensure long-term relational success.

3. What Type of Person Shows Up Within You in this Relationship?

Consider the friends in your life. Do different friends bring out different sides of you? Maybe you’re more reserved with one and more rambunctious with another. Perhaps you’re patient with some and quarrel with others. A friend may trigger your higher or lower tendencies. Just as a friend can elicit a particular side of you, so does your partner. Consider the following questions: Does my better self show up when I’m with my partner? Does my worse self show up when I’m with my partner? Perhaps it’s a combination of both? If so, what situations tend to bring out a particular side of me. Fundamentally, do I like myself in this relationship?

Your honest answers to these questions offer important clues to the long-term health and happiness of your relationship.

4. Does Your Partner’s Communication Lift You Up or Bring You Down?

Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, a foremost expert on couple studies, concluded after over twenty years of research that the single, best predictor of divorce is when one or both partners show contempt in the relationship.

Contempt, the opposite of respect, is often expressed via negative judgment, criticism, or sarcasm regarding the worth of an individual. In communication studies, this is known as being “tough on the person, soft on the issue.” An effective communicator knows how to separate the person from the issue (or behavior), and be soft on the person and firm on the issue. An ineffective communicator will do the opposite – he or she will literally “get personal” by attacking the person, while minimizing or ignoring the issue.

Ask yourself the following: Does your partner’s communication lift you up, or bring you down? Is your partner’s communication with you “soft on the person, firm on the issue,” or the other way around? What about your communication with your partner? If your relationship suffers from ineffective communication, the good news is that as long as you and your partner are willing, improvements can be learned quickly and put to use immediately. 

5. How do You and Your Partner Deal with Conflict in the Relationship?

Couples with poor conflict resolution skills typically engage in Fight, Flight, or Freeze behaviors. They fight and stay mad, sometimes holding grudges for years. They flight and avoid important issues by sweeping them under the rug. Or, after endless arguments with no resolution in sight, they freeze emotionally and shut down. Someone who freezes in a relationship typically goes through the motions on the outside, but has stopped caring on the inside.

Successful couples have the ability to solve problems and let it go. They focus on taking care of the issue rather than attacking the person. Even when angry, they find ways to be upset and stay close at the same time. Once the matter is resolved, they forgive and forget. Most importantly, successful couples have the ability to learn and grow through their interpersonal difficulties. Like fine wine, their relationship improves with age and gets better over time.

6. How do You and Your Partner Handle External Adversity and Crisis Together?

One of the traits of highly successful and enduring relationships is the partners’ ability to stand together in the face of external challenges. A true test of a relationship is whether two people have each others’ back when times are tough. 

Consider these questions:  Do external adversity and crisis bring you and your partner closer together, or pull you farther apart? In difficult life circumstances, do you and your partner act like adults or children? Can you and your partner share the bad times, or only enjoy the good times? As Adler and Proctor II state, “Companions who have endured physical challenges together… form a bond that can last a lifetime.”

7. Do You Have Compatible Financial Values?

Numerous studies have identified disagreements over finances as one of the top reasons couples seek marital counseling, as well as one of the top reasons for divorce. According to Jeffrey Dew of the National Marriage Project, “Couples who reported disagreeing about finances once a week were over 30 percent more likely to divorce over time than couples who reported disagreeing about finances a few times per month.”

Differences in financial values often appear early in a relationship (most especially in Lagos, Nigeria). For example, who pays for the first date? What about the second date? And the third? Is your partner happy when you give a thoughtful but non-monetary birthday gift, or will he or she feel disappointed because you didn't purchase something? Additional questions to consider include: Is your partner generally happy with what he or she owns, or is there a constant, insatiable desire to always acquire more? Are you and your partner able to solve financial difficulties and differences as a team?

Formulating with your partner a viable financial plan, paying attention to patterns of financial discontent, initiating conversations early to resolve differences, and seeking financial or couples counseling when needed are some of the keys to maintaining financial peace.

In closing, whether you’re single, dating, or in a committed relationship, these seven keys to long-term relationship success may serve as a “check-up” of your relational health and well-being. With self-honesty, openness, and a desire to grow, you can significantly increase the possibility of not only having a wonderful partner in life, but making the love last. To grow old with your life mate, knowing that in each other’s warm embrace you have found Home.

If you’re up for it and follow these tips, you’ll be on a road to having a more successful relationship or marriage. But remember — it takes two to tango. Share these with your significant other or spouse and use it as an opportunity to begin the conversation of your life.

Together Forever.
Source: Google Images

....as someone I know will say, "ALL THE BEST OOO".

Cheers!

Friends WIth Benefits: Simplest Ways To Start

What's up beautiful people. Sorry for the no posts in a while. These after uni days are literally just mean to me. :(
Well, I'm here now...So let's roll!
Got something for some of us. (Some of us being the no-love, no-strings attached, #TeamFuckLove and #TeamSingle)

The ideal friends with benefits relationship will let you have fun and hook up with someone whenever you're both in the mood without getting emotionally invested. Though it can be very tricky to navigate the territory between friendship and courtship, if you follow a few basic rules, you can have a no-strings-attached relationship where no one gets hurt. If you want to know how to start one, just be cool and follow these steps.

1. Pick someone who is AVAILABLE.
This means "available" in all senses of the word -- single being the most obvious definition.
The person should not only be single, but he or she shouldn't be recovering from the end of a devastating break-up, dealing with the loss of a loved one, or so busy studying that he or she practically lives in the library. This person should be feeling fun, emotionally stable, and up for anything -- especially hooking up with you.

2.Pick someone who won't get too attached.
Friends with benefits relationships often end because one person starts falling for the other.
So, unless you want to date the person, or you don't care if the person gets really hurt, you should avoid someone who will get attached. How do you know who will get too attached and who won't? Well, you can't figure this out with 100% certainly, but there are a few clues that the person may get too attached:
*If you've heard this person described as
"clingy," (Ewww) whether it's by friends or past significant others, then you may have a problem.
*If the person doesn't have a lot of friends,
interests, or a lot going on, then he or she may have nothing better to do than to spend a lot of time with you.
*If you know that this person has really liked you in the past, then it's better to avoid it.
If you know the person has a harmless crush on you, then that's PERFECT. ;)

3. Pick someone you already like.
Key word --like,not really really like. This should be someone who you think is cute and fun to be around -- you should like this person just as much as you like spending a day at the beach with your friends. If you're going to spend a lot of time with that person, then you should feel a baseline of affection -- just nothing too serious.
*Pick someone you already like, but not someone you would normally date. Go out of your comfort zone and remember that you're looking for a hot hook up partner, not your future husband or wife. If you pick someone you might date, then it's more likely that you'd end up falling for that person.
*You should have some natural chemistry with this person. That doesn't mean you want to stay up for hours talking about the meaning of life with him -- you just want to rip his shirt off.

4. Pick someone outside your social or work circle. Don't have a friends with benefits relationship with one of the members of the group of friends you've known since you were five, or it'll lead to some serious awkwardness when the relationship ends. Typical friends with benefits relationships only last a few months, so don't pick someone you know you'll have to see all the time.

5. Pick someone with experience.
You should try to find someone who you know has had some experience hooking up -- even better if you've heard he or she is great in bed. Since that's what you'll be doing, it's good to have a sense that the person will deliver. It will also help if the person has had some casual flings before, so he or she is experienced in that department. If the person has only had one relationship and it lasted seven years, he may not be your best bet.

Start the Relationship

1. Flirt with the person.
Start flirting with the person by teasing,
playfully touching, or just paying attention to him or her. Let the person know you're interested and give him or her a few not-so-subtle complements. Don't forget!
You're not trying to be coy here -- you're looking for a hook-up buddy.

2.Start hooking up.
Once the person is interested, you can start
kissing or doing something more. Tell the person how attracted you are to him or her but do not complement that person's personality or say anything that makes it sound like you want to date.

3. Set the ground rules.
Every non-couple is different. Some friends with benefits know each other well enough to set some ground rules before they start hooking up. But that can feel a little awkward and unnatural, so you may want to wait until after that first kiss or hook-up session. Ideally, you should have the talk before sex, so you know that both people are on the same page and that no one gets really hurt.

Here are the things you should talk about:

*Make it clear that you are not dating -- you're just having fun. Both of you should be free to hook up with other people.
*Make sure that you won't see each other too often. You should see each other just two or three times a week, preferably at night. If you see each other almost every day, Mbok... guess what? That's dating. >_>
*Decide that you'll end the relationship when one person gets too attached. Unless you both start falling for each other, make it clear that if someone gets attached, it's over.

4. Enjoy some HOT sex.
That's what having friends with benefits is for, isn't it? Have fun hooking up with your "friend," letting loose, and trying the things you were too afraid to try with your old boyfriend or girlfriend. This is your time to let loose and experiment, picking up the tricks you can use to wow future partners. Have fun trying new poses, having sex in kinky locations, and just throwing
caution to the wind.

5. Keep up your communication.
As you ease in to your friends with benefits
relationship, don't forget to check in with the person you're hooking up with. Make sure you're both into each other, but not too much. If you'll both be at a party, talk about how you'll act. If you're also hooking up with another person, don't be shady about it. You don't have to spill your heart out, but you should keep talking so you know what's working and what isn't.

Keep Enjoying the Benefits

1. Don't forget to see other people.
Part of a no-strings-attached relationship means that you are free to see other people. Don't forget this important perk. If you're only hooking up with one person, it may turn into a real relationship. If that's not what you want, then keep a look out whenever you're out at a bar or a party. Don't just wait to get a text from your hook up buddy, but look around and see if there are any other options for you.

2. Keep it casual.
You can hang out with your friend with benefits, but you need to make it clear that it's not a date. For one thing, you should spend more time in bed together than out of it. You can go out for a drink -- but not for dinner. Try to make your
place as inhospitable as possible so your hook up buddy doesn't want to linger in the morning.

NOTE: I am NOT asking anyone to go sleeping around or be promiscuous. If you don't feel the need to be in a serious relationship for reasons best known to you, FWB isn't all that bad. Just play safe...Use a CONDOM!

So what do you think?

Feel free to drop your comments below.
Follow me on Twitter and IG @MaybachDAYO ;)

'til another day...*God Loves Me*